Yes, Virginia, There is a War on Terror
by Chris Durang
Posted December 24, 2007 | 07:22 PM (EST)
Dear Editor,
I am 28 years old. Some of my friends say that the war on terror is a mistake, and furthermore "terror" is an abstract noun, it's not a country, and you can't wage war on an abstract noun. My friends, especially Peter Wilkins, say that there is no war on terror, it's just an excuse to manipulate and terrify the American public. I kind of agree with Peter, who's also very cute. My father though says I'm full of crap, and a slut, and have been misled by the liberal media as well as by my stupid friends. My father said I should write my question to this newspaper, and then accept the answer and shut up. So, Wall Street Journal, please tell me the truth, is there a war on terror?
Virginia O'Bannion.
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except for what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, his intellect nothing as compared with the intelligence gathered by the government's warrantless wiretappings. Big Brother listening in? Perhaps. But big is good, and brother is good, so there is no problem. If we have nothing to hide, why do we want to hide it?
Yes, Virginia, there is a war on terror. It exists as certainly as Islamofascism and media bias and a turning away from the truth of Jesus Christ exist. It is an unhappy truth, but it must be faced, Virginia.
How dreary would be the world if there were no war on terror! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginia's or South Dakota's or no Texas's. There would be no childlike faith in the words of our leaders. There would be no war in Iraq, no threatening of Iran, no enhanced interrogation techniques, no foreign adventures or bravery or patriotism. The idealistic shock and awe by which America promises to impose democracy on the world would be no more.
Not believe in the war on terror! You might as well not believe in fairies. And what about Santa Claus? You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus.
So it is with the war on terror. It is hard to see, it is hard to pinpoint, but it is all around us at all times, hiding on planes and in toothpaste tubes, but your little friends say these dangers are not real. Your little friends really annoy me, they are little in spirit and mind and body. For the most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Depending on who you live next to, perhaps you have. Oh the times, oh the mores. We are going to hell in a hand basket, and it is foolish in all regards to be seated in a flammable basket while descending toward a furious pit of fire.
No war on terror! Thank God it lives and lives forever. It will truly go on forever, or at least until a few minutes before the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come charging down Pennsylvania Avenue with Chuck Norris and Michael Savage and Rush Limbaugh and Laura Ingraham all seated like spectres on their steeds, preparing the way for Jesus Christ to descend from heaven minutes later and finally make clear who is right is this world and who most damnably is wrong, they're wrong, they're wrong.
Yes, Virginia, there is a war on terror. Now turn your back on your little, 'ittle friends, and tell them they are wrong. And tell your father he is right, and beg his forgiveness and wash his feet with your hair, which the women did in the gospels, so I don't mean anything odd by it. Thank you for writing, Virginia, and Merry Christmas and Happy War on Terror.
Posted December 24, 2007 | 07:22 PM (EST)
Dear Editor,
I am 28 years old. Some of my friends say that the war on terror is a mistake, and furthermore "terror" is an abstract noun, it's not a country, and you can't wage war on an abstract noun. My friends, especially Peter Wilkins, say that there is no war on terror, it's just an excuse to manipulate and terrify the American public. I kind of agree with Peter, who's also very cute. My father though says I'm full of crap, and a slut, and have been misled by the liberal media as well as by my stupid friends. My father said I should write my question to this newspaper, and then accept the answer and shut up. So, Wall Street Journal, please tell me the truth, is there a war on terror?
Virginia O'Bannion.
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except for what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, his intellect nothing as compared with the intelligence gathered by the government's warrantless wiretappings. Big Brother listening in? Perhaps. But big is good, and brother is good, so there is no problem. If we have nothing to hide, why do we want to hide it?
Yes, Virginia, there is a war on terror. It exists as certainly as Islamofascism and media bias and a turning away from the truth of Jesus Christ exist. It is an unhappy truth, but it must be faced, Virginia.
How dreary would be the world if there were no war on terror! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginia's or South Dakota's or no Texas's. There would be no childlike faith in the words of our leaders. There would be no war in Iraq, no threatening of Iran, no enhanced interrogation techniques, no foreign adventures or bravery or patriotism. The idealistic shock and awe by which America promises to impose democracy on the world would be no more.
Not believe in the war on terror! You might as well not believe in fairies. And what about Santa Claus? You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus.
So it is with the war on terror. It is hard to see, it is hard to pinpoint, but it is all around us at all times, hiding on planes and in toothpaste tubes, but your little friends say these dangers are not real. Your little friends really annoy me, they are little in spirit and mind and body. For the most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Depending on who you live next to, perhaps you have. Oh the times, oh the mores. We are going to hell in a hand basket, and it is foolish in all regards to be seated in a flammable basket while descending toward a furious pit of fire.
No war on terror! Thank God it lives and lives forever. It will truly go on forever, or at least until a few minutes before the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come charging down Pennsylvania Avenue with Chuck Norris and Michael Savage and Rush Limbaugh and Laura Ingraham all seated like spectres on their steeds, preparing the way for Jesus Christ to descend from heaven minutes later and finally make clear who is right is this world and who most damnably is wrong, they're wrong, they're wrong.
Yes, Virginia, there is a war on terror. Now turn your back on your little, 'ittle friends, and tell them they are wrong. And tell your father he is right, and beg his forgiveness and wash his feet with your hair, which the women did in the gospels, so I don't mean anything odd by it. Thank you for writing, Virginia, and Merry Christmas and Happy War on Terror.
posted by Lomstradamus at 10:43 AM
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